I grew up and currently in small city in northern Ontario, Canada. Not much to do up here except drugs and drinking. I choose to partake in neither of those past times so I’m left with using my spare time to improve myself.
On the outside I try to maintain a happy face. I try to be as positive as I can, I’m outgoing and I’m friendly to almost everyone as long as they don’t give me a reason not to. I have a hard time making new friends because I am sometimes shy around new people and my shyness is often interpreted as “bitchiness” or “snobbiness”. I’m really nice if you give me a chance!
I have always been self-conscious… especially when it comes to my weight. Dieting has always seemed to be part of my life in some form or another. As a child, I can recall looking up on the fridge and seeing “The Three Day Diet” posted there by my mother. By age 12 I was secretly using following it too. I because super obsessed with my weight and would hide underneath baggy sweatpants and sweaters. I knew I was different than the other children. I hated recess and gym class, because that meant I had to be physical and always feared my peers would laugh at how out of shape I was. As a result of poor eating habits and lack of physical activity, I lived an obese childhood and weighed close to 200 pounds by the time I was 13 years old. I was determined to lose weight no matter what it took. Throughout high school I skipped breakfast and lunch and only ate dinner with my family. I had lost approximately 65 pounds. By the time I had started university I had made several new friends including my current boyfriend. I had stopped worrying about my weight and saw that they liked me for who I was and not what I weighed.
During university I gained 30 pounds back and looking in the mirror one day, I realized this isn’t me. The girl I am on the outside is not the same one as on the inside. I needed to lose the weight. I tried the only way I knew how. Starvation. It worked in high school, so it should work again right? Wrong. My body fought against me and I eventually ended up binging everytime. I then realized that I needed to stop being stupid and start being healthy. I don’t want to be a stick figure, I want to be fit!
My obsessive nature about weight and body appearance eventually turned into an anxiety and acute obsessive compulsive disorder. I now have the frequent impulse to sort, clean, organize, list and count almost everything. I can’t go anywhere without my day planner and pen. I make more lists in a day then I have desk space for. The anxiety took over my body in 2012 and I was in so much physical pain, my doctor sent me to the hospital and I was diagnosed with GERD.
How did I become so over weight as a child?! Where were my parents? Why didn’t they stop me from eating? Why didn’t they stop buying the unhealthy foods? Do I blame my parents? Yes – to an extent. As a child, I depended on them to provide with me food to live. It was their choice to buy the chips, the pop, the sugary cereals, the endless supply of packaged and processed crap that fed us. I never remember eating fresh vegetables or fruit. Almost everything we put in our mouths came from a box. Now that I’m older and independent, I can’t blame my parents for my weight… it’s my responsibility now. I cannot put blame on my broken family, or a past abusive relationship. None of that matters in terms of my health. Things have been mighty difficult in the past, but I’m going to use those emotions and past experiences to build better character and draw motivation from.
I want nothing more than to be thin, fit, healthy, flawless and perfect. I know that nobody is perfect, but one can always strive to be. Being the perfect me is different than the perfect you. I may not be good at the same things that you are, I may not be as strong or as smart… but I am the best me that I can be and I hope that’s good enough for you.
